


Holding

by The_Eclectic_Bookworm



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 03:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7205852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Eclectic_Bookworm/pseuds/The_Eclectic_Bookworm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“The Council’s fired me,” said Rupert from downstairs, his voice trembling. Jenny felt a moment of shock, then dizziness. She opened her eyes, listening. He took a breath, and then, “I willingly told Buffy about the Cruciamentum, that I’d been using the compound on her. I wasn’t supposed to do that.”<br/>(AU, set during Helpless)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding

**Author's Note:**

> Queen S set a deadline for both of our fics and is basically responsible for this actually getting finished; she is a bean of Jenny Calendar level.

Jenny was comfortable on the couch when she heard Rupert’s car pull up outside. She smiled to herself and put down her magazine, looking over at the door. “Hey,” she called. “You’re home a little late. Getting ready for Buffy’s birthday tomorrow?”

The door opened and Rupert stumbled in, pale and dazed, blood on the palm of his right hand. Jenny’s smile faded. “Rupert, what’s going on?” she inquired, worried.

“Stay indoors tonight,” Rupert told her, hurrying past her and into the kitchen. He turned on the sink and began to wash his hands. “There’s a vampire on the loose.”

“Yes, but seeing as we live in Sunnydale, that’s like telling me to have my headlights on at night,” Jenny pointed out, getting up from the couch, “and even if Buffy isn’t able to fight them right now, I’m fairly certain that you would be able to. What’s _really_ going on?”

Rupert looked up at her and opened his mouth, but then something in his face became shuttered and distant. “It’s none of your concern,” he said, surprisingly flatly for someone who looked so shaken. “I’ll be back soon. Just stay at home.”

Startled by the sudden switch in Rupert’s emotions, Jenny hurried after him. “I don’t really appreciate being left out of the loop,” she said pointedly. “And I don’t think—”

Rupert dried his hands, turned around, and pulled Jenny roughly into his arms, burying his face in her hair. Jenny felt the beginnings of her indignance give way. He smelled musty, but not in the charming-librarian-boyfriend way; more in the spent-the-night-in-a-haunted-house way. Something was very wrong.

She pulled away slightly, fingers brushing his cheek. “Hey,” she whispered. “Whatever it is, it’ll be okay.”

“It won’t,” said Rupert matter-of-factly. His calmness didn’t quite match the fear and panic written all over him. “I need to go.”

Jenny nodded. “You’d better tell me exactly what happened as soon as you come home, though,” she added. “Okay?”

Rupert didn’t say anything.

“Okay?” Jenny repeated.

Rupert kissed her forehead. “I love you,” he said with clearly forced self-control. She could hear the catch in his voice. “Don’t forget that.” He stepped away from her, moved past her, and hurried out of the apartment, leaving a confused Jenny in the kitchen.

Something was wrong and Rupert wasn’t telling her what it was. Rupert _always_ told her when something was wrong. The only time he’d ever kept a secret about bad things was Eyghon, and that was because—

— _shit._ It was because he’d done something he saw as irredeemable. Jenny felt a rush of panic, now coupled with sickness, and left the apartment herself.

* * *

 

She drove a good ten miles over the speed limit when heading to the high school, because she figured that if there was some kind of supernatural nonsense going on, maybe he would have had at least one of the kids on research duty at the library. Maybe Buffy. God, was Buffy all right? Had she been hurt by a vampire because she didn’t have her Slayer powers? Had Rupert killed someone who he’d thought had tried to hurt Buffy? Was Jenny spiraling? She was spiraling.

“Breathe,” she whispered as she pulled into a parking space, grabbing her keys and her jacket and getting out of the car. “It’s okay. It’s all gonna be okay.” Except it wasn’t. They didn’t live in a normal world, and any number of things could have happened to Rupert, or to Buffy, or to someone else.

The lights were on in the library. Jenny _ran_ to one of the school doors, unlocking it, and yanked it roughly open, sprinting down the hallway. Left turn, right turn, library doors. She pushed them open.

Buffy and Rupert both turned in her direction, eyes wide. Buffy, wearing a somewhat battered white blouse, looked like she’d been crying. Rupert looked a cross between stunned that she’d shown up and horrified that she was here to witness—whatever it was she was seeing.

Jenny opened her mouth to say something. Possibly “Thank God you two are both alive.” Or “This doesn’t look like a vampire on the loose.” Or “What the hell am I out of the loop about?” But Buffy spoke first.

“Did you know about this?” she demanded tearfully, sounding both furious and deeply betrayed. “Were you two working together, or, or—”

“What?” Jenny’s eyes went to Rupert.

“Jenny, I—I told you to stay at home,” he said, voice shaking. “This isn’t your concern.”

“What?” said Jenny again. She felt like she was missing something extremely important.

“Did you know he was _poisoning_ me?” Buffy burst out.

There was a silence in the library that was almost deafening. Jenny was sure she’d misheard. She must have misheard. There was clearly some crucial bit of information she’d missed, some context, Rupert would _never._ Not _Buffy._

Her eyes flitted to Rupert. He couldn’t seem to hold her gaze.

“Is this true?” Jenny asked. She felt like he’d punched her in the stomach, it was that unexpected and awful and just not _like_ him.

“Jenny, you must understand,” Rupert began in a low, almost unnaturally calm voice, one that didn’t mesh with the way he’d held her close in their kitchen, like she was the only thing in his world that was keeping him sane. He sounded collected, detached, and that was making her even more frightened. “There are extenuating circumstances that you cannot possibly—”

“Then explain,” said Jenny. It was all she could manage to say.

But it was Buffy who spoke. “He’s—he’s been giving me some kind of drug to make me lose my Slayer powers.” She swallowed, took a hesitant step towards Jenny. “You didn’t know?” she asked, a catch in her voice.

And it was the lost, frightened look in Buffy’s eyes that made something in Jenny snap. Whatever the hell was going on with Rupert, she couldn’t afford to be distraught by it right now, not when she wasn’t the one who had actually been hurt. She looked up at him and said coolly, “So, is there anything else you wanna tell me while we’re here?”

“Jenny—” Rupert began, suddenly looking significantly less composed.

There was a sudden hurt in his eyes that Jenny tried to ignore. “Maybe you’ve been cheating on me?” she asked with feigned curiosity. “Preparing to end the world with dark magic? Planning to quit your job at the library and move to the Sahara? Because _all_ of those seem a hell of a lot more likely than you betraying Buffy’s trust so completely.”

“It’s not as simple as that,” Rupert began.

“Yeah, well, screw you and your messed up concept of complexity,” said Jenny. “Because it really, _really_ is. You know, I was never bitter about those few months we spent broken up, because Buffy felt like I had betrayed her. I thought that you were loyal to Buffy over me, and I was okay with that. She’s your Slayer. You’ve got a loyalty to her and a sacred calling, and believe me, I can understand obligations that you’re born into.” She took a shuddering breath. “But I can’t understand how, after nearly three years of training Buffy and being there for her more than a Watcher has ever been required to, you decide that suddenly you have to go and play by the book.”

“The Watchers’ Council would have fired me from my position,” Rupert said, trying his best to regain his composure as he took a step forward. Buffy flinched and moved behind Jenny. Rupert froze at this, looking shocked and hurt. “Buffy—”

“Oh, well, great!” Jenny shouted. “Good for you, Rupert, I’ve glad you’ve got your priorities straight! So Buffy gets another Watcher but doesn’t have to feel betrayed and violated, or she gets the same old Watcher who’s willing to _hurt her_ in order to stay by her side! Hey, did it ever occur to you that maybe she wouldn’t _want_ you here after you betrayed her trust so completely?”

“Jenny,” said Rupert. His voice caught. There were tears in his eyes. “Please—”

Jenny stared at him. “If this is how you treat the people you care about, I don’t know if it’s safe for me to be anywhere near you,” she said quietly. She felt sick and dizzy, like someone had flipped her world on its axis. “Buffy, I can drive you home,” she added.

“Okay,” said Buffy, who was looking at her with a mixture of amazement and appreciation. Jenny wondered if Buffy thought she cared about Rupert first and foremost. “Thanks,” she added shakily.

“Yeah,” said Jenny, and placed a hand on Buffy’s back, turning them both around as they walked out of the library.

* * *

 

Buffy was crying quietly in the front seat. Jenny bit her lip until she tasted blood and turned on the radio to an overly peppy pop station. The music blared in the car, a strange contrast to the somber mood, until they pulled up in front of the Summers house. Then she turned it off and glanced over at Buffy, who was unbuckling her seatbelt with fumbling fingers. It made her hurt to see Buffy like this; she hadn’t realized how much comfort she’d drawn from Buffy’s constant confidence and positivity.

“Get some rest,” said Jenny. “Okay?”

Buffy nodded. “I will,” she said a little hoarsely. Then, “What’s gonna happen with you and Giles?”

“I don’t know,” said Jenny honestly. She reached out and tentatively touched Buffy’s shoulder. Buffy leaned into her hand. “Call me if you need anything,” she said, and meant it.

“Thank you,” said Buffy, and sniffled before getting out of the car. Jenny waited until she was certain Buffy was safely inside the house before driving away.

The roads were dark and empty, save for a few people out on the streets. Jenny wondered tiredly if they were vampires, but couldn’t bring herself to care, even though she knew she should. She took the long way home, because she knew when she got home Rupert could be there, and she wasn’t emotionally ready to have the serious conversation she knew they’d have to have.

When she pulled up front outside their apartment, the light still wasn’t on, but the thought of going into a place that was so deeply associated with him and waiting for him to show up made Jenny feel a little nauseous. She wondered if Buffy would mind her staying at the Summers house. She was sure Joyce wouldn’t.

Joyce made nice tea and would probably let Jenny cry about Rupert. Actually, there probably wouldn’t be crying. Jenny was stronger than that.

She thought this with a sense of pride before she burst into violent sobs, her head falling against the steering wheel. She was trying to calm down, really, but she kept on thinking of Rupert’s face in the library, the way he’d held himself, the same composed way he’d been when he hadn’t known her or Buffy. He’d seemed so detached from the situation, almost clinical before she’d started throwing verbal punches. Could he do something like this to her if the Council requested it of him?

The fact that Jenny didn’t know the answer to her question terrified her profoundly. And oh my god could she just _stop crying_? She didn’t have time for this _._ Buffy was hurting and frightened, Jenny didn’t even know what the hell was up with Rupert, and…were Willow and Xander okay? That was good, at least. Jenny sniffled and awkwardly wiped her nose with her sleeve.

As much as the idea of spending time with Joyce and Buffy appealed to her, she didn’t feel quite as calm about this whole thing as she thought she’d been managing to be. Besides which, she couldn’t handle the idea of breaking down in front of Buffy, who probably wouldn’t even want her there anyway. Buffy deserved some calm alone time with Joyce.

Awkwardly, Jenny unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car. She couldn’t imagine Rupert coming home immediately, not after this. Or maybe he would? God, she thought she knew her boyfriend, and then he did something so completely out of character that she no longer knew _what_ to expect from him. Regardless, Jenny could always lock herself in the bathroom if he came home early.

“Amazing plan, Janna,” she mumbled sarcastically as she walked up the driveway, sniffling and still hiccupping a little. It had been one of those crying jags where she still couldn’t quite breathe right. She used to be so calm and collected before she fell in love. “Really great.” She fumbled with inserting her key into the lock and entered the apartment, shutting the door behind her and locking it from the inside. He’d still be able to get in, of course; he had a key as well. But it at least felt like she’d done something.

Jenny wanted to make herself tea, or coffee, but she also wanted to curl up and cry for hours and hours. She’d been so proud of herself before coming here, always so calm and collected and never caught up in love and emotions.

“Fucking _hell,_ ” said Jenny to the empty apartment.

She’d meant for it to sound vehement and angry, not small and miserable. She knew anger more intimately than hurt. She wanted to go back to the library, where she was all brazen fury, but now all she could remember of that was the heartbroken look in Rupert’s eyes.

Jenny wanted to be livid, but she couldn’t recall how to find the energy. She walked slowly up the stairs to the loft bed and kicked off her shoes before lying down and getting under the covers.

The apartment was quiet and dark and it was the first time in a long time that Jenny had gone to bed alone. The bed seemed bigger than she remembered without Rupert taking up space; she’d roll over and bump into him, and if she was alone on the bed, it was because she was sitting up and reading and waiting for him to come home. She didn’t go to sleep until he was home, mostly because she worried and she couldn’t get to sleep if he was in any sort of danger.

Jenny closed her eyes and tried to think about good things. Buffy (betrayed, tired, sad, didn’t deserve this, no, _no_ ) or Willow (god, if she knew, what if Buffy tells her, what’ll she think of Rupert now) or Xander (he needs some stability, some security, he loves Rupert in his own way, he _can’t_ know). She rolled over onto her side and hummed to herself and ignored the tears that were like little pinpricks. Her eyes were sore.

* * *

She was just drifting off to sleep when she heard the door creak open, and her heart twisted. She closed her eyes and hugged the covers to her.

Footsteps. “Jenny?” came Rupert’s shaking voice. He sounded exhausted, shell-shocked, but in a completely different way than before. There wasn’t the same detachment in his voice that he’d had when he first came in. Rupert sounded almost desperate for her.

Jenny squeezed her eyes tightly shut. She was asleep. She was asleep.

“Please,” said Rupert again. His voice broke. “Jenny—”

She was asleep. She couldn’t hear him. He lied to her. He _lied._

More footsteps, then that squeaky sound the sofa made when someone sat down on it, then ragged breathing audible even from the loft bedroom. He sounded like he was trying very hard not to cry. It was unlike him to cry.

Jenny wasn’t going to go downstairs. He lied to her. He excluded her from a decision involving Buffy, a girl who she was growing to care about. He betrayed someone he loved, and he would do it to her if the Council asked him.

“The Council’s fired me,” said Rupert from downstairs, his voice trembling. Jenny felt a moment of shock, then dizziness. She opened her eyes, listening. He took a breath, and then, “I willingly told Buffy about the Cruciamentum, that I’d been using the compound on her. I wasn’t supposed to do that.”

Jenny rolled over in bed, away from the wall, looking down at Rupert in his chair. He hadn’t bothered to turn on the lights, so the dim moonlight was all she could see him by. She wanted to say something. She couldn’t.

“It’s an age-old tradition,” Rupert continued. “I—I was wrong to partake in it, I just—I couldn’t lose Buffy if they thought I wasn’t—” She thought she could hear him stifling a sob. “They—she was supposed to be locked in a house with a vampire. The vampire escaped, I told Buffy of the Cruciamentum—”

Jenny sat up quietly, got out of bed. The stillness of the house, however, meant that Rupert easily heard her movements. He stopped talking at the first rustle of bedsheets, his eyes fixed on her. Or perhaps he was just looking in her direction. Moonlight only showed so much.

She descended the stairs and walked over to him. Without a word, she sat down on the sofa next to him. He was holding his glasses loosely in one hand. She took them from him, placed them on the coffee table, and turned to him, looking up into his eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” Rupert murmured, barely audibly, and _yep_ there were tear tracks on his face.

“Yeah,” said Jenny. It was taking everything in her to hold his gaze.

Even quieter, almost an exhalation, Rupert added, “Can you forgive me?”

“Has Buffy?” Jenny asked him simply.

“I think she might,” Rupert answered.

“Do you think you deserve it?” Jenny sounded so much colder and disconnected than she felt.

Silence.

“Okay,” said Jenny, her voice somewhat thick with suppressed tears.

“Jenny.”

“You know what you did is profoundly fucked up, right?” She reached out and took his hand, their fingers entwining. There was something comforting in the familiarity of the gesture, an anchor in this sea of uncertainty and confusion.

“Yes.” Rupert was really crying now. “Yes.”

Jenny pulled him towards her and hugged him, a little awkwardly, burying his face in her shoulder. “Don’t _ever,_ ” she mumbled, arms wrapping around his neck. Rupert leaned into her. “You _promise_ me you won’t—won’t _ever_ hurt her like this again.” _Or me,_ she wanted to say, but didn’t.

Rupert was saying something but he was also crying, and something in Jenny had snapped back into place. This was what she did. She forgave him when he made mistakes, even if they were phenomenally huge and screwed-up. Because she’d made mistakes too, big ones, and she’d lost so much, and even when she’d gotten it back she’d never taken it for granted again.

She would never have Rupert feel like she had last year. Jenny lifted her head from his shoulder, raised a hand to stroke his cheek. “I love you,” she whispered. “It’s okay. It’s okay, England, I’m always gonna love you.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Rupert managed, his hand moving to rest over hers on his cheek.

Jenny could have held onto her anger and that awful, gnawing feeling of betrayal from someone she loved deeply, but she held onto Rupert instead.

 


End file.
